“Should I not convince them to be in a relationship with me if they have rejected me? Should I not convince them to choose me? Maybe if I just prove how amazing I’m by making myself indispensable to them, they will choose me.”
1) When you convince someone, what you are essentially communicating to them and yourself is, “My authenticity is not enough to get you to like me. I need to jump through hoops, shapeshift, bend over backwards to please and impress you. I will force you to choose me because I don’t honour and choose myself. Your validation and approval might fill the void and make me feel whole and complete.”
How attractive does this mindset look to you?
2) When you are forcing someone to be with you, where do you think is your self-respect, self-regard, and self-worth? If you don’t respect yourself, why would the other person respect you? Where there is no respect, there can be no love. When you don’t respect yourself, you don’t find love, you find people looking to take advantage of you.
3) By chasing after someone, you are reinforcing and perpetuating your limiting beliefs – “I’m not enough/I’m too much/I don’t deserve love where I’m mutually met and considered.” Pursuing someone who has rejected you damages your self-worth which further keeps you in the same dysfunctional cycle.
4) Even if they do accept you, will you have any power in the relationship to negotiate on your behalf? Will you be able to stand up to your partner? You will always be overpowered by your fear of losing the connection which will ensure that you lose yourself to keep the connection. Does that look like healthy love or codependency?
5) Even if they accept you, you will never be their first choice. You had to negotiate desire and negotiated desire brings obligated compliance. This fact will keep bothering your peace throughout the relationship and you will continue feeling insecure that your partner might leave you the moment they find someone they truly desire and are attracted to. By chasing, you have put them on a pedestal and subconsciously made an agreement to be their backup option.
6) On the legal side, forcing/convincing someone equates to harrasment. Persistence, when applied to your work and career will bring you results you couldn’t have been thought of. The same persistence, when applied to getting a specific person, might get you a restraining order.
7) By continuing to run after them, you are also disregarding their boundaries. You are telling them, “Your boundaries don’t matter to me. I don’t honour people’s NOs. I am so entitled that I will do whatever it takes to soothe my wounded ego.” Even if your intentions are genuine, do you think it comes off that way? Don’t you think that’s creepy and reflects stalkerish tendencies? How can the other person ever feel safe with you when you keep violating their boundaries?
Cardinal Rule of Dating: Only choose people who choose you back from the get-go. If someone is not excited and enthusiastic about you, let them go. You deserve more than that. They are not a bad person for rejecting you, they have that right. However, by rejecting you, they have disqualified themselves from being your potential partner. That is the level of value and respect that you have to place on yourself. Attraction is not a choice so don’t waste your time trying to convince someone. Building relationships is hard but two people coming together and deciding that they want each other should not be difficult.