One of the greatest errors that we make while dating is over-functioning to save our relationship without evaluating if the relationship is even worthy of being saved.
When we are chasing from our wounds, we get so desperate for connection that we abandon our standards and sacrifice our psychological well-being just to keep the connection. Paradoxically, many a times, it is that over-pursuit that further precipitates the ending of a connection.
The prerequisite for trying to save/fix your relationship is that your partner should be as willing as you to work on improving your relationship (considering you have not violated the agreement of your relationship).
A relationship is co-created/worked upon by two active participants. If you are the only one working, it is not a relationship, it is a tyrant-slave contract. It is unloving and disrespectful to yourself if you are trying to keep someone in your life who doesn’t even try for you.
One-sided fixing approach is dangerous as it promotes losing yourself to not lose your relationship. Even if you save your relationship by losing yourself in the process, that’s not such a grand deal. Why? Because you will encounter crippling self-hatred and garner absolutely no respect from your partner.
It is great that you want to fight for your relationship but if you are the only one fighting, that’s actually emotional masochism, not saving the relationship.
A relationship involves two people. If you are jumping through hoops to protect your relationship while your partner doesn’t even care about your existence, how is that a fair relationship? Furthermore, why would you even want to stay in a connection where you are the only one doing all the emotional labour?
You have to ask yourself, “Which relationship is more important to me – the one that I have with myself or the one that I have with this person?” Saving your relationship with an unwilling individual would mean destroying the relationship that you have with yourself.
If a relationship is dictated by massive power imbalance, it will only lead to anxiety, loneliness, trauma, disconnection from self, and depression in the long-term. It will erode your self-confidence and shatter your self-image. Do you really want that?
If someone is not trying for you, that’s supposed to be a violation of your fundamental standards since you deserve a partner who is interested and invested in you. So, instead of obsessively going through each and every book memorising strategies, hacks, and tricks to make your unhealthy one-sided relationship work, ask yourself, “Does this even work for me? Am I even okay with this? Is this aligned with my standards? Is this what I want out of my romantic relationship?”
Your foremost loyalty should be towards your standards, not on getting/keeping a partner. If it boils down to choosing between sacrifcing your vision/standard or sacrificing an uninterested/unwilling/unreceptive individual, your job, throughout your life is to sacrifice the person, not your vision.
You have to choose a relationship where choosing the relationship and choosing yourself mean one and the same thing. If choosing the relationship comes at the expense of loss of self-respect/sanity/your boundaries/vision, it is not a relationship that is worth keeping. If a relationship is creating chaos, drama, confusion, and dysfunction in your life, it is not a sacred thing that needs to be protected. As a matter of fact, by sacrificing such a relationship, you will get one step closer to finding yourself a fair and healthy relationship.