If you are an over-pursuer, over-functioner, someone who double, triple, quadruple texts people out of reactivity, someone who identifies with anxious attachment or has codependent tendencies, you cannot absolve yourself of all the responsibility by saying that it’s just how you love. That’s arrogance and not facing the truth of your behaviours.
You have to understand that your needs are coming from a place of insecurity, not authenticity. And while a safe partner will support you with those needs, it is your responsibility too to heal the wounded parts of you which require constant validation and approval to feel safe and worthy.
When you are desperately chasing someone and constantly texting them without giving them any space, what you are really doing is that you are soothing your anxiety by reaching out to them and when you don’t hear back from them, it validates your “I’m too much/I’m not enough” belief which further triggers your attachment injury and keeps you in this cycle. That’s the “needy” energy that repels people. Before you text, call, pursue, ask yourself these two questions,
Q1. “Am I texting them because I want their validation and approval or am I texting them because I genuinely want to connect with them?”
Q2. “Would the secure and healthy version of me send this text?”
The desire that is born out of genuineness and authenticity is very calm and subtle. It comes from a grounded and centered place within us. It comes from a place of wholeness and completeness.
The desire that is born out of insecurity is very addictive. It disturbs and drains us. It comes from a place of lack and scarcity.
Situation – You texted them in the morning. They have a hectic work schedule that day. And before they even got the chance to reply, you have sent them 6-8 more text messages cycling between “love” and anger.
Can you sit in the anxiety without allowing it to engage you in a destructive/sabotaging behaviour? That’s your work. Can you sit in the anxiety without making it about you? That’s your work. Can you remain centered regardless of what’s going on externally? That’s your work.
We have to take responsibility for our actions and how we show up in relationships. Sometimes, our behaviours are unhealthy too. Desire and attraction are created in space. When we feel anxious, we want to grasp, hold, and control. But it is precisely in those moments where we need to let go of control. When we keep taking up all the space all the time, it erodes all the attraction as it “suffocates” the other person. They feel like they have to take responsibility for the management of our emotional states which ruins desire.
So, your work becomes to gradually expose yourself to the anxiety and soothe your activated attachment system (anxiety) through self-regulation without acting on the desperate desire to text. Your job is to manage your anxiety on your own without relying on your partner to soothe you all the time. It will build your tolerance to sit in the space of the unknown. That will help you move towards more security.
Your work also is to surrender and loosen your grip a little. It is to get comfortable with the land of the unknown where anxiety thrives. You have to learn to stop micromanaging things and surrender into deep self-trust that you are safe and okay no matter what happens externally. Once you get to that place, your anxiety will naturally reduce considerably because you would be betting on your internal security, not external events going your way. When we are trying to force things with someone, we are not pursuing from our intrinsic worth but chasing from our wounds.