After spending a reasonable amount of time with someone, you are either in or you are out. Stop living in the space of in-between, not knowing where you stand with someone. It is YOUR responsibility to get the clarity of where you stand with someone so that you can protect your heart if they don’t have the same intentions as you.
Obviously, asking for commitment on date one (or week one) is not only silly but it’s also not coming from a place of wholeness. It is coming from lack and insecurity within you. Asking for commitment “too soon” is basically you trying to establish security within you through the relationship so that you can regulate your own nervous system. That’s your wound choosing for you, not your worth.
Asking for commitment “too soon” is definitely something to be mindful of. However, do not ever use that as an excuse to stay in situations which are harmful for your heart in the long-term. The conventional dating gurus are teaching you to be easy going and not bring commitment into the picture because it would scare off your potential partner. They suggest you not to rock the boat and be “cool” with everything so that you’re able to please your partner and eventually get them to commit to you.
The degree of mindlessness of this idea is sometimes beyond my ability of comprehension. Isn’t that the whole point of dating – to “scare people off” who don’t have the same intentions as you? What else are you doing dating people? Aren’t you looking for a good match and best fit for you? How in the world are you going to know if they are a good match for you if you don’t express what you truly want?
It is not weak, “needy,” or asking for “too much.” If you think that asking for commitment is being “needy,” then that’s a belief that you adopted from somewhere (probably your previous relationship experiences) that if you ask for what you want, people leave you.
Lying to yourself that you don’t want a relationship when in reality you do, is self-betrayal which leads to anxiety, disconnection, and loneliness in the long-term because your body is unable to trust you.
Your truth and self-expression are your NATURAL FILTERS which get rid of the wrong people and bring the right crowd into your world. Why would you minimise that voice? Why would you date someone for five years only to realise that they never had the intentions of getting married to you? Why would you put yourself through such unnecessary suffering when the alternative of speaking up and finding out is so easily available to you?
So, after spending a reasonable amount of time with someone and objectively evaluating that they are a good fit for you, ask them, “Hey, I think you are a great person and I feel like we have a connection. We have known each other for a while now and I am open to the possibility of having a relationship with you. I would love for us to be exclusive now. What do you think?”
If their answer is something like, “That’s great to know but I’m at a phase in my life where I’m trying to prove the existence of life on Mars/I’m planning a spiritual trip to Himalayas to “find myself”/I’m trying to re-establish the existence of Pluto into our main planets/I’m trying really hard to understand Calculus and Quantum Physics,” let them go.